Parents understand that screens rewire children’s brains, negatively impact their ability to self-soothe, stifle creativity, create isolation and anxiety, deprive kids of sleep, increase depression, deteriorate academic achievement and damage the ability to think critically.
Here at New Canaan Pediatrics, we’ve talked at length about how screens affect our children and what to offer in lieu of screens, but we completely understand it’s difficult to limit or eliminate screens. Thanks to the recent book “10 Rules For Raising In A High-Tech World” by Jean M. Twenge, PhD, we can offer these workable and realistic guidelines.
Rule 1 – You’re In Charge
This rule is number one because it’s the most important of all – and it could be the most difficult for us to enforce.
The parent/child relationship is not a partnership of equals. While parents want their children to feel loved and to be happy, providing everything they want and making children happy for the short term leads to serious problems. Instead, a parent’s job is to give their children what they need – the love, guidance and rules which will enable them to grow into competent adults who are happy for the long term.
Conversations about the dangers of online technology must be accompanied by straightforward, hard and fast rules about smartphones, tablets and computers.
When you begin to implement the following rules, odds are high that you will get angry push back. You may get shouting, tears and slamming doors. At these times, remember Rule 1. You are in charge.
Rule 2 – No Electronic Devices In Bedrooms Overnight.
Teens need about 9 hours of sleep. Unfortunately, smartphone, tablets, gaming consoles, computers and TV are so psychologically stimulating that the brain can’t shut off. It’s also easy to keep watching “just one more” and check a screen when they wake in the night. Even when devices are set to vibrate or are silent, they disrupt sleep multiple times a night.
Solve this issue by ensuring that all devices go in the kitchen before bed time. If you need to, purchase a lockbox. Twenge also recommends adults place their devices outside of the bedroom at bedtime too.
If your teen protests that they need their phone as an alarm to wake up, Twenge’s solution is simple. Buy an alarm clock.
Rule 3 – Absolutely No Social Media Until Age 16 (but 18 is better)
The connection between mental health issues and social media is well documented. Social media is a significant contributor to worsening depression. The constant comparisons and the competition for reactions, comments and followers increase anxiety. It is also a vector for cyberbullying.
Algorithms can be especially destructive. Search “healthy eating” or “healthy recipe” and suddenly feeds are full of diets, harmful content about body imaging and weight loss. Cat videos can result in images of animals in pain or distress. Searching mental health topics can prompt videos about suicide.
Algorithms are designed to prompt maximum engagement and get users to scroll more and more, becoming an enormous time sink.
Social media glorifies the sexualization of young girls and women. It is an avenue for unknown adults to contact children, teens and young adults.
Twenge recommends prohibiting your children under the age of 16 (but 18 is better) from Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, Discord, and X/Twitter.
And no, you’re not ruining their life. Social media is.
Rule 4 – First Phones Should Be Basic Phones.
Giving a child a smartphone, tablet or gaming console with internet gives them unfettered access into the vast online world – and that is not okay. Studies show the average age that children today are viewing hard core pornography is 11.
Delay, delay, delay, recommends Twenge. Do not give your child a tablet of their own. When they need to use one, let them use yours. Gaming consoles should be in shared spaces like the family room so you know how often and how long they are playing.
Wait as long as possible to get them a phone and make it a basic phone with no internet access.
Think of it this way; you can have one argument about getting a phone or tablet or you can have dozens of arguments every day about using the phone.
Rule 5 – A Smartphone Comes with A Driver’s License
Before teens start to drive, they just don’t need a smartphone. When kids are 16 or older, they tend to make better decisions and will better avoid the pitfalls of the internet and social media. Having their driver’s license also means they can see their friends IRL (in real life) and socialize in person more easily.
You’ll want to set up their phone and password, install restrictive parental controls, and turn off notifications for everything except calls and texts.
Remember that, like no one ever thinks, “I wish I’d spent more time at work,” no parent ever says they wish they’d given their kids smartphones earlier.
Rule 6 – Use Robust Parental Controls
Teens still need guardrails so they aren’t viewing inappropriate content, scrolling endlessly and becoming addicted to their phones.
Make sure you know your child’s password, and that they can’t download apps without your permission. Apps don’t just include social media; there are include dating apps, adult games, gambling apps, AI friends, pornography, and many other apps that can expose your child to contact with predators, addictions and mental health issues.
Set time limits so approved apps can be shut down before bedtime and during school hours. Block websites with inappropriate content such as online forums, gambling sites, sites with violent content and chat rooms.
By the age of 16, some level of privacy has hopefully been earned by your child, so you may not want to scan texts and communications. However, if you suspect your child is being bullied or harassed, or is experiencing mental health issues, looking at their devices may be required.
Rule 7 – Create No Phone Zones
For at least an hour before bedtime, your family should put phones down and away. At meal times, phones should be stowed away to allow for conversation – and during any face-to-face conversation, phones take a back seat to the real live person in front of them.
Take a break from phones during vacations to fully enjoy family time and focus on the experience. Family gatherings like holidays should be free of phones. Any time your teens are outside should be phone-free.
Make sure you have dedicated phone-free hours during school vacations and every weekend.
Rule 8 – Give Your Kids Real World Freedom
Help your kids build their independence. If your child or teen can do something themselves, let them.
In a grocery store, send your kids to other aisles to look for items. Let kids take care of pets, go to camp, ride their bike to a friend’s home, have sleepovers, cook, play outside by themselves, do household chores, and do their own laundry.
Let them babysit, take the train, make their own dentist appointment, get a job, open a bank account and get their driver’s license.
The world today is in fact safer than a generation or two ago when kids grew up roaming the neighborhood with friends, exploring and creating games. If your child tells you they are uncomfortable calling the dentist, say, “Well, that’s great! When you call, you’ll see there’s nothing to be scared of!”
Rule 9 – Beware Of Tablets, Computers, Laptops, Gaming Consoles…
Laptops issued by your child’s school, the gaming console and tablets are all just as problematic as a smartphone – and sometimes more so.
Do not give your child their own tablet. It’s easier to monitor what, how often and how long they are using a tablet when they have to ask for yours.
Gaming consoles should remain in shared spaces and any personal laptops should also have robust parental controls installed.
School laptops may need to be stowed before bedtime as they seldom allow parental controls and time limits.
Rule 10 – Advocate For No Phones During The School Day
In the 2025-26 school year, at least four Connecticut school districts have implemented cellphone bans and are seeing positive results.
If your school still allows unrestricted access to phones during the day, consider this; 74% of teachers believe cellphones in schools are a major problem. These devices are making a significant and negative impact on academic achievement. Since 2013-2014, math and reading scores have plummeted – and this trajectory began 10 years before the COVID-19 shutdowns.
Banning phones in schools results in:
- More focus in the classroom and more attention to teachers
- More face-to-face socializing at lunch and during breaks
- Learning to live without the constant presence of a phone
- Less fighting, less bullying and less drama
- Fewer discipline problems
- Better social skills overall
While parents of smaller children will have a much easier time following all 10 of Dr. Twenge’s rules, parents of kids who already have devices may be frustrated as to what to do next.
Dr. Twenge says, “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. Do what you can. Even if you follow half the rules half the time, your kid will still benefit.”
Your New Canaan Pediatrics provider agrees. Think about the rules your family can follow – or try the best to follow – and begin to enforce them. Your kids are worth it.
If you have questions about technology and kids, message your New Canaan Pediatrics provider. We are always here to help!